


Tracing Scars Like Boulevards

by laylabinx



Category: Captain America (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers - Ambiguous Fandom
Genre: Artist Steve Rogers, Body Worship, Bucky takes care of Steve, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Implied/Referenced Blow Jobs, It's all just sappy and cute, M/M, Past Injuries, Scar Worship, Sexytimes, Slash, Some Steve!whump, Steve takes care of Bucky, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, body image issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-19
Updated: 2014-06-22
Packaged: 2018-01-25 19:28:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1659803
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laylabinx/pseuds/laylabinx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"I went for so long thinking you were dead, Buck. These scars prove you survived. You may think they're ugly but I think they're beautiful because they mean you're still alive." </p><p>Or:</p><p>Ch.1) In which Steve traces Bucky's scars and tries to get him to see them in a new light. Also, scar worship and sexytimes!</p><p>Ch.2) In which Steve gets a bit roughed up during a mission and Bucky does what he's always done best: take care of his best friend. Also, he really hates Steve's scars.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beautiful

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, this got sappy in a hurry. Ugh, tooth-rotting fluff abound! This was written for a prompt over on the kink meme involving scar worship and it just kind of spiraled from there. This is SLASH so please don't read if this offends you. There's nothing too too explicit (because I'm complete crap at writing sex scenes) but there are some implied sexytimes toward the end. Hope you all enjoy it!
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing! =/

"You want to draw me?" Bucky asks incredulously, quirking an eyebrow at the man sitting across from him.

Steve just barely glances up from the pencil he's sharpening in his lap. "Yep."

"Why?"

"Because," Steve says, carefully wiping away the dust from the newly sharpened pencil with a napkin. "I haven't gotten to draw you in a long time and I have a new set of charcoal pencils that I need to break in." He unfolds himself slowly from the chair and walks around the table to the other man. "Besides," he continues, leaning down and pressing a soft kiss to the outer corner of his mouth. "I like the view."

Bucky feels the barest hint of a smirk tug at his lips. "I'd call you a dirty old man but it's not really an insult if we're the same age."

"Nope," Steve agrees easily. "Doesn't have the same ring to it."

The smirk fades a bit and Bucky's eyes darken. "You don't want to draw me," he mutters softly, metal fingers flexing slightly on the table. His voice is quiet and filled with self-loathing when he speaks. "Not like this."

"I do," Steve tells him gently, fingers carding through soft, dark hair. "All of you." He traces the outline of Bucky's eyebrow, his thumb coming to rest lightly against his temple. "Down to the last detail."

"I'm not a good model," Bucky insists, the metal arm feeling heavy and bulky at his side. The red star has almost faded completely, scratched away one layer at a time. A power sander had taken away most of it but a faint red outline still remained. He hates that star and the arm and everything it stands for. He hates what it made him and the things it had done. And he hates that it's a part of him and he can't get rid of it.

This thing between them is still new and cautious, all careful touches and gentle words. Steve had worked tirelessly for months to slowly but surely help him break away from the lingering effects of decades of brainwashing. It couldn't have been easy in the beginning, moments of relapse or slips in reality and Bucky would revert to violent outbursts and cursing viciously in Russian, all previous progress completely forgotten.

There were still times when he would forget who he was entirely, a blank slate to be molded and used as necessary. He wouldn't remember his name, his past, or what year it was. But he would remember Steve; he _always_ remembered Steve. Steve with his concerned blue eyes and warm, loving smiles. Steve who had taken him in and forgiven him without question and held him tightly when the nightmares shook him awake each night. Steve who was far too good for him but too damn stupid to realize it. Bucky sometimes wasn't sure if he should love him or hate him for that.

A small part of him hopes that one day Steve will wake up and realize he deserves so much more. That he can do so much better than the broken, unstable man who's currently living with him. He wants him to realize this because then he'll be safe and he'll be happy. And if Bucky doesn't remember anything else from his previous life, he knows he at least wanted Steve to be happy. But Steve, like the stubborn idiot that he is, stands by him undaunted and endlessly patient every single day.

"You're perfect," Steve tells him firmly, completely undaunted by the other man's protests. "I used to use you as a model all the time when we were younger. It was always easier to draw you when you didn't know I was watching, though."

"You mean when you _thought_ I didn't know you were watching," Bucky counters slyly, smirking a bit at the other man. "I always knew what you were doing, Steve. Sometimes before you even knew what you were doing."

"Is that how you always found me getting my teeth kicked in in back alleys?" Steve asks casually, flipping his sketchbook open to a new page.

"Something like that," Bucky grants, the smirk fading into a soft smile. When he'd first shown up on Steve's doorstep all those months ago, it was one of the first decisions he remembered consciously making since pulling the other man out of the river. Steve represented _something_ although he wasn't sure what at the time. Redemption? Recovery? He didn't know. He kept trying to label it, kept trying to figure out why he had come here and why he had stayed. And the only thing that made sense was that he _belonged_ here. He was supposed to be here, with Steve, the two of them facing the world. He's not sure why but that was how it had always been and that's the way it should always be. When he was with Steve, he was home.

"Fine," he says, letting out a long-suffering sigh. "What do you want to draw?"

"Everything," Steve tells him again, adjusting the lighting above the table and pulling up a chair.

"You're going to need a lot of paper," Bucky says, trying one last time to divert the Captain's sudden artistic urges.

"Got a fresh book right here," Steve tells him, dancing his fingers over the clean sheet of paper below his hand.

Bucky shakes his head but relents to the request. "Where do you want to start?"

That earns him a brief stretch of contemplative silence as Steve looks him up and down slowly. His eyes travel the length of his body, the curves of muscle and bone and texture. Finally, he nods to himself and settles on a body part. "Let's start with the hands," he tells him, his voice a bit softer and more subdued as he focuses on the task before him. "You've always had beautiful hands."

Bucky wants to deny this and point out that now his hands are ugly and twisted but he doesn't. The look on Steve's face stops him, the focused expression and the sharp eyes that take in every detail. Steve had always managed to see the best in the world, to take something ugly and grotesque and make it amazing. He doesn't know how he sees anything good in him but somehow he does. The concentration on his face makes it clear that he sees something beautiful in Bucky even if he can't see it himself.

"You just like what I can do with my fingers," he says after a moment because the silence makes him squirm and it's much easier to crack a joke than it is to sit in the wordless void.

Steve smirks and keeps sketching faint outlines into his book. "That's beside the point," he mumbles but Bucky takes a small amount of pride in the blush that creeps along Steve's cheeks and up to the tips of his ears.

Steve continues to sketch in silence for a few more seconds before he stops and reaches forward, fingertips brushing feather-soft across the back of his hand. "What is this from?" he asks quietly, eyes locked on the long, thick scar that runs from the outside of Bucky's hand and wraps around to the inside of his wrist. It's pale and raised, a deep wound that more than likely should have been stitched closed and was left to heal on its own. Bucky shrugs flippantly.

"Knife fight in Belarus," he tells him simply, eyes flickering over the scar and remembering snapshot memories of a brick roof and pouring rain. "The target was armed and I got careless."

Steve says nothing, he just continues to stare at the scar for several more silent seconds. The expression on his face is unreadable: anger? Disgust? Honestly he can't tell. His blue eyes are dark and stormy and his eyebrows knit together slightly as he continues to examine the scar. Finally, warm fingertips trace the length of it, from one end to the other, all the way across the back of the hand. The touch is light and gentle, the warmth of Steve's fingers just barely felt beneath thick layers of scar tissue. He traces it like he's trying to see the story behind it and make sense of it.

When he lets go, the absence of the warmth is almost enough to be disappointing. Bucky resists the urge to reach out and grab Steve's hand again. He forces himself to remain still though, watching silently as the other man returns his attention back to his book and begins sketching the details of the scar.

"Why are you drawing that?" Bucky asks, the disgust palpable in his voice.

"Because it's a part of you," Steve tells him simply, adding a few more careful details to the scar.

"It's ugly."

"It's not," Steve counters gently, smudging a few lines to create shadows. "It's beautiful. Just like you."

Bucky scoffs in disbelief and shakes his head. "You're out of your mind."

"Maybe," the Captain allows, tracing the delicate lengths of fingers and the curve of joints. "But it's not a bad place to be."

The former assassin opens his mouth to say something but then closes it a second later. In all the time he's spent with the other man, he's learned that swaying the Captain's opinion of him would take and act of God and Congress. Steve knows full well the things he's done, the crimes he's committed and the ones he was accused of. He knows about the murders and the kidnappings and the torture. He knows all of this and yet he adamantly refuses to believe that his best friend did any of it willingly. He clings to the belief that Bucky was not acting under his own authority and was used as a tool for decades.

Honestly, Bucky doesn't know if he acted on his own or not during all that time; everything just sort of blurred together as the years passed by. One era would transform into another and he was just there to complete his mission and then be dragged back into cryo. None of it made sense and none of it mattered; it didn't matter until he found Steve.

Steve tells him he's beautiful but he's not; he's twisted and diseased, all jagged edges and painful memories. He's a jigsaw puzzle that's only barely been put together while the other pieces remain scattered around, distorted and warped beyond repair. He can see the blood on his hands even if Steve can't/won't. Like Lady Macbeth, only he can see it but unlike her's, his is more than a spot, it's a pool. If he accepted even a fraction of this truth, Steve would get far, far away from him and leave all those broken, fractured pieces to slowly disintegrate into dust. He doesn't though, Goddammit, he doesn't, and Steve remains permanently fixed by his side.

The Captain reaches out again, his thumb brushing over scarred and calloused knuckles, down long fingers that are crooked from being broken too many times. His touch is light and soothing, a calming presence that brings just a bit of clarity and solidity to the constant turmoil in his mind. The pressure increases minutely and Steve strokes the back of his hand, fingers tracing over scar tissue and damaged skin. He outlines each one with careful touches and intense concentration like he's trying to memorize every imperfection.

"What are you doing?" Bucky asks quietly, his voice barely more than a whisper as he continues to watch the other man.

"Comparing texture," Steve answers, squeezing Bucky's hand lightly. He brushes his lips along the scar that runs along the back of his hand, lingering to press a soft kiss to the scars that criss-cross his knuckles. "I want to make sure I get the details right."

Bucky chuckles quietly and curls his fingers around Steve's. "You're so strange."

"No, just thorough," Steve says with a smile, gently releasing his hand and turning his attention back to the sketchbook. He works on the sketches of the hand silently for another minute or so before moving on toward the arm. His eyes flicker up from the page occasionally, taking in length and definition and structure. He shades in the outline of muscle and bone, contouring the sketch with shadows to create a deeper effect. It's mesmerizing to watch and Bucky finds himself captivated by the process.

The sketching stops and Steve leans forward again, fingertips brushing over another scar that slices across his outer bicep. "What about this one?" he asks, frowning slightly as he traces the scar. Unlike the one on the back of the hand, this one is dented in, a deep gouge that warps the outward appearance of muscle and flesh.

"A bullet from the bodyguard of a French ambassador," Bucky tells him quietly, watching as Steve continues to examine the scar carefully. He doesn't tell him that both the bodyguard and the ambassador died by his hands that night or that another car full of people met a similar fate when they tried to intervene. Steve is smart enough to figure that out on his own and, even if he wasn't, the thick file containing every scrap of information on the Winter Soldier would have told him all about it. But Steve doesn't ask and he doesn't want elaboration; either he already knows or wants to remain blissfully ignorant. Bucky is silently glad he doesn't press for information.

Steve's fingers follow the line of the scar, curving in a diagonal slant along the outside of his arm. The edges are rough and raised, the center of the scar depressing into the muscle. It creates a perfect groove in his skin, a lasting reminder of a previous mission.

Just as he did before, Steve examines the scar with careful scrutiny, measuring depth and length and texture with his fingertips. He probes the healed wound gently, fingers kneading into muscle and flesh. When he's finished, he leans forward and brushes his lips over this scar as well, the kiss light and tender. Bucky frowns slightly at the repeated gesture.

"Why do you keep doing that?" he asks quietly as Steve pulls back, the Captain's hand still lingering on his arm.

"Because they're a part of you," Steve tells him simply, his fingers brushing lightly over undamaged flesh and solid muscle. "And that makes them important. Each one has a story and each one means you survived." Steve's eyes soften a bit, a small frown tugging at his lips. "I went for so long thinking you were dead, Buck. These scars prove you survived. You may think they're ugly but I think they're beautiful because they mean you're still alive."

His thumb traces the length of the scar again. "Drawing them and learning about them…it's like following a path leading me back to you after all these years." He looks at him then, blue eyes warm and accepting and God, does it make his stomach clench. "I knew every scar you had before the war. Now I'm learning about the new ones."

Bucky shakes his head slowly and catches Steve's hand with his own. He sighs and bring his hand up, pressing his lips to the underside of his wrist and breathing against his skin. "Some of these scars don't have the nicest stories attached to them."

Steve's hand comes to rest against his cheek and he cups his face. "I don't care," he tells him quietly. "It's _your_ story. That's the only thing that matters to me." He steals another chaste kiss and reclaims his sketchbook, adding in new outlines and structure. He sketches the scar carefully, shading in the depth and length with measured pencil strokes. It takes several minutes for him to complete the sketch, to be satisfied with the finished product, but once he's done, he blows the dust off the page and sets it aside.

A new page is pulled and Steve turns his attention to the gleaming metal arm tucked against the assassin's side. He keeps it as close as possible, far away from the other man and nearly hidden against his body. He doesn't touch Steve with his metal hand, not if he can help it. That hand has been responsible for more deaths than he can remember, more destruction than he can think of. That hand has been soaked in blood and has broken bones and choked the life out of people simply labeled as targets. That hand had helped pull the trigger that fired three bullets into his best friend's body all those months ago and had nearly beaten him to death in the crumbling remains of the helicarrier. It doesn't matter that that same hand had been the one to fish Steve's unconscious body from the river and drag him up onto shore. When Bucky looks at that hand, all he sees is a weapon.

Steve doesn't see it as that, however; at least, it doesn't appear that way. He's staring at the arm intently, eyes flickering over interlocking plates and carefully constructed metal joints. He studies the way the plates come together to form the wrist, forearm, and shoulder, focusing more attention on the smooth, flexible joints of the fingers and the elbow. He studies the reflection of the light off the metal, the different variations of illumination and shadow that fall across the metallic limb. For several minutes, Steve says nothing, he simply studies the arm like it's the most amazing thing he's ever seen.

When he does reach for it, Bucky can't quite hide the way his body stiffens minutely. Steve notices but remains undeterred. "Bucky," he says gently, his voice holding a very soft pleading quality as he speaks. He's asking for permission but he's also saying _it's okay, you won't hurt me_ and dammit, he's never been able to deny Steve anything. He sighs heavily and lifts the arm up onto the table so Steve can get a better look.

The other man shifts his chair around and comes to the other side of the table, getting closer to the metal appendage. He reaches for it again and this time Bucky doesn't flinch so much as hold his breath. Steve's fingers brush along the back of the metal hand, sliding over smooth, gleaming plates that lead up to the forearm. It's not the first time he's touched it but the feeling of his fingers running along the metal plates causes Bucky to stiffen ever so slightly.

Several weeks ago, when this thing between them had fallen into something more than friendship, Bucky had finally allowed Steve to touch the arm for the first time since getting punched by it on the helicarrier. They had been sprawled out across the mattress, Steve's arms locked around him and his face pressed into the side of his throat, whispering soft reassurances as Bucky gasped his way out of another nightmare. He'd woken up choking on a Russian curse and gripping the sheets tight enough to rip the fabric. Steve had held on for nearly an hour, calm and solid and grounding. Ever so carefully, he had reached out and touched the very tips of his fingers to the curve of the metal elbow.

_"You can't feel anything on this side, can you?" he'd mused quietly, thumb brushing over the joint that connected the elbow to the upper arm._

_Bucky had shaken his head a bit, breathing still slightly halted and uneven. "Nothing really. Pressure, vibrations…" He shrugged that shoulder slightly, the movement easy in spite of the weight of the arm. "It's mostly numb though."_

_Steve had frowned darkly, expression grim in the darkness of their now shared room. "This never should have happened to you," he'd muttered quietly, eyes flickering with barely suppressed guilt._

One of the first things he'd learned after coming back into Steve's life was that the Captain blamed himself entirely for his death. He'd held onto the guilt and anguish of being just a split second too late when he'd fallen from that train in the Alps for years after it happened. He probably would have blamed himself until he died (again) had Bucky not come back.

As it was now, though, he still blamed himself but for different reasons. He blamed himself for Bucky getting captured by the Soviets, for the injury that left him with a metal limb and no memory or who he was. He blamed himself for the horrible things that had happened to his best friend and being powerless to stop any of it. He blamed himself because if he had been just a little bit faster, a little more careful, Bucky wouldn't be the damaged, broken man he was today.

Bucky couldn't stand that, any of it, and refused to let Steve take the blame. All the shit that had happened to him after the fall? Yeah, it sucked and there had been more than one occasion when he'd considered brushing his teeth with a pistol and being done with it all but he would be damned if he allowed Steve to take a single ounce of the blame for that. Because Steve was the only good thing he had left in the world, the only thing that mattered to him anymore, and if he lost that, he's not sure what he would do.

He sees the same guilt beginning to surface in the younger man's expression, the dark flickering in his eyes as he studies the arm. He needed to cut that off at the pass before it got ahead of him and he could only think of one way to do that. "I know you're enjoying the view and everything, Rogers, but I can't sit here all night. I'm starting to get hungry."

Steve blinks in surprise and looks up, guilt vanishing from his expression and replaced with something like bemusement. He shakes his head, a small smile tugging at his mouth. "You were always so impatient," he mutters quietly, shoving the other man's arm lightly.

He smirks a bit and leans forward, bumping his forehead against Steve's. "And you were always cute when you got all flustered."

Steve's lips twitch like he can't decide if he wants to scowl or smile. "You're a jerk."

"Punk," Bucky retorts, topping off the remark with a soft kiss. He leans back against the chair and rotates the arm for a better view. "If I agree to sit still and be your model for the rest of the afternoon then you at least owe me dinner."

Steve smirks a bit and nods. "Fair enough," he says as he begins sketching light outlines of the arm. "But that means I get to drawn all of you." He looks up with a mischievous glint in his eye. "And I do mean all."

Bucky offers a very small mock salute at the offer. "Oh Captain, my Captain."

This earns him another smirk and an eye roll and then Steve goes quiet as he continues his sketching. He traces smooth lines and glinting metal, shading in the different reflections of light that shine along the surface. The details are sharp and precise, dark lines and shaded grooves of interlocking plates. Steve works silently for several minutes and manages to copy an exact replica of the arm in his book. It's amazing really.

Bucky strips off his shirt without being asked, following the lines of the sketch and figuring it was coming sooner or later. He peels the shirt off over his head and drops it onto the floor beneath the table, leaning back in the chair once he's through. Steve's eyes track the lines and angles of his torso, the smooth planes of his chest, coming to stop at the ugly, criss-crossing network of scar tissue that attaches the metal arm to his shoulder. His eyes linger on the patchwork of scars curving around Bucky's upper left shoulder and chest for several silent moments, his expression tight with concentration. Finally, his gaze drifts downward to a thick, jagged scar that slices a long, deep line across his lower ribs.

"What about this one?" Steve asks, reaching forward and dragging his thumb along the length of the scar.

"Hunting knife in Anchorage," Bucky answers quietly but he doesn't really remember much else from that mission. The target had put up one hell of fight before he was finally brought down, one of the blows catching him in the stomach. The knife had nearly gutted him and the wound it left had been deep and bled freely. He'd survived, barely, but had passed out from blood loss in a parking lot once it was mission was complete. He didn't regain consciousness again until his handlers were dragging him back to the cryo chamber.

Steve runs his thumb along the scar a few times, analyzing the raised, uneven texture and the varying width. It's long, extending from just beneath his lower ribs and arching up over his navel. The scar itself is red and dark, the damage to the muscle and underlying tissue still pronounced beneath the skin. It's shallow toward the ends but deep and thick in the middle, the blade severing several layers of tissue as it sliced through. It's definitely not the worst injury he's ever had but it was still significant.

Steve studies it for a few more silent second before he's satisfied with the details. Then, just as before, he leans forward and brushes his lips lightly over the scar. His breath ghosts over the other man's torso, warm and close, and it causes him to shiver slightly. Steve smirks up at him and quirks an eyebrow. "Something bothering you?"

Bucky sucks in a deep breath and lets it out slowly through his teeth. "You're a dirty tease, you know that?"

Steve just gives him another devious smile. "I'll keep that in mind." He turns his attention back to the book and begins carefully sketching out the angles and lines of the other man's torso.

He doesn't ask about the small surgical scar that pierces his lower right abdomen or the puckered puncture wound that cuts clean through to the other side on the fleshy portion of left side. He doesn't ask because he already knows the stories behind them: the first from an appendectomy when he was nine and the second from a Nazi's gun during the war. A simple through-and-through, no vital organs hit and only moderate blood loss but serious enough to leave a lasting and visible scar. Steve doesn't ask about them but that doesn't stop him from pressing a tender kiss to each of them before he sketches them into the book.

His eyes come to rest on another jagged scar that cuts just beneath his collarbone on the right side. It's crooked and uneven, whatever had caused the wound having clipped the edge of the clavicle when it made contact. Steve reaches out and touches it lightly, following the line and palpating the solidity of bone beneath the skin.

"Broken glass from jumping out of a window," Bucky tells him without being asked, his eyes fluttering closed just a bit as Steve's fingers continue to caress the scar. That one was old, back when he first started taking missions. His tactical gear hadn't been as advanced as it was now, a few weaknesses and kinks in the design leaving him open for injury. The wound hadn't been severe but it was a bit too close to the throat and better, thicker padding was added in for the next mission.

Steve kneads the combination of muscle and bone gently for a few more seconds, fingers moving along of their own accord. Unlike the deep scar in his abdomen, this one is significantly more shallow and not quite as dark. Steve takes that into consideration before he commits it to the book. But not before he leans in close and drags his lips along the length of the scar, following it's path and stopping just at the base of the bone near the hollow of Bucky's throat. He smirks and presses forward a bit more, placing a soft kiss against the stuttering jump of the pulse that throbs beneath his lips.

Bucky squirms a bit in his seat, his breathing hitching slightly. "I swear to God, Rogers…"

Steve just smiles up at him with clear, blue eyes. "Later, I promise."

"You're damn right later," Bucky grumbles back but he sits still and refuses to give in to the urge to hoist Steve over one shoulder and drag him into the bedroom like a caveman finding a wife. He has more self-control than that and, by God, if Steve could be a relentless tease then so could he. Besides, hijacking him away to the bedroom right now probably wouldn't be the best idea...the furniture company is beginning to get suspicious with how many bed frames they've had to replace recently.

Steve gives him another smile and sits back, adding the new details into the book. His hands move carefully, the pencil tracing precise, sharp angles and deep lines. He glances up occasionally, eyes lingering on the scars for a moment or two before his focus returns to the page. Eventually, the pencil comes to a stop and he sets it down on top of the page, his gaze settling on the network of scars lining the socket of Bucky's shoulder.

The assassin sits motionless for several minutes as the other man's eyes travel over the damage, his mouth pressed in a tight line. He forces himself to relax a bit and settle back into the chair; if Steve is planning on taking in every minute detail of the scars connecting the metal arm to his shoulder then he's going to be in for a rather lengthy wait. Steve had been incredibly thorough with the design and detail of the other scars on his body and none of them had been half as complex as the interweaving patchwork of scar tissue that lined the robotic arm. This was going to take a while and he settles himself into as comfortable a position as he can manage in the stiff-backed kitchen chair.

Just as he'd done with the others, Steve reaches out and carefully runs his fingers over the outermost edges of the scar, working his way in and tracing each slash and tear of the underlying tissue. The scars are rigid and thick, muscle and sinew and cartilage all torn away and ruined from the fall. They're raised and uneven, dipping in and protruding outward and webbing across the upper half of his chest and disappearing behind his shoulder. Steve maps out every single one, fingers careful and gentle as they brush over each different cluster. As curious as he is, his touch is endlessly careful and tender as well.

It takes close to twenty minute before Steve is finally satisfied with his examination. His hand falls away and he leans forward, pressing a line of soft, gentle kisses along the seam where flesh connects to metal. He works his way outward slowly, lips brushing over tangled masses of scar tissue and damaged flesh. This time, however, he doesn't immediately commit them to his sketchbook. Instead, he stands slowly and cups the other man's face between his hands, leaning down and capturing his lips in a warm, loving kiss.

The gesture is slow and sweet, filled with compassion and acceptance and love and all the words neither of them can say. It holds memories of the past and promises of the future. For a moment, nothing else exists but the two of them and it is absolutely _everything._

When Steve finally does pull away, he says nothing about the depth and meaning behind the kiss but then there really is nothing to say. He simply smiles and sits back down in his chair and begins sketching. If it's possible, Bucky falls even more in love with him in that moment.

Steve sketches on quietly for close to half an hour, adding in every detail and feature of the metal arm and the scars that surround it. He's so engrossed in the sketch that he doesn't immediately notice when Bucky stands slowly and smoothly slides out of his jeans. The pants suffer a similar fate as the previously discarded shirt and a second later his boxers join the ever growing pile of clothing on the floor of the kitchen. The wide-eyed expression and adorable blush that creeps across Steve's cheeks when he does look up makes the show worthwhile.

Bucky smirks and leans his hip against the table. "You did say you wanted to draw everything," he teases, enjoying the heightened flush that colors Steve's cheeks. It didn't matter that they had been sleeping together for weeks; Steve still blushed like a goofball everytime he saw the other man naked. Shy and awkward all the way down to his core...it's nice to know some things never changed.

Steve huffs a small laugh and nods. "That I did."

Bucky smirks again and crosses his arms over his chest. "Need a minute?"

The Captain just quirks an eyebrow and offers a smirk of his own. "Do you?"

"Not a chance," the assassin answers, leaning into the table a bit more and adjusting the angle of his hips. "Where would you like to start?"

Steve's eyes sweep downward, tracking over the definition of muscle in his legs and the solidness of bone and tendon. His gaze drifts over a few of the scars: the various scrapes and scratches from countless skinned knees, the slightly indented mark on the back of his calf from a dog bite when he was eleven, the burn on his thigh from where he'd knocked a pot of boiling water off the stove and onto his leg in their first apartment. He recognizes most of these but there are a few that stand out.

His gaze stops on one, a very tiny scar compared to the others. It's little more than an inch long, dented and grooved and located near the center of his shin. His fingers brush over it and he feels the nub of calcified bone beneath the skin.

"Compound fracture from the fall," Bucky tells him as Steve continues to inspect the damage. "Bone was broken in half and sticking out through the skin when they found me."

Steve says nothing about the cause of the wound and simply leans down to press his lips to the indentations of the scar. His fingers travel around to the back of his calf, ghosting over a few more puckered and sunken wounds. "And these?"

"Shrapnel," the other man answers carelessly and really there are too many stories to tell about each one individually so he just groups them together into one category.

Steve doesn't press for more information and takes the explanation at face value. Once again, either he already knows or he's fine with accepting the answer Bucky gives him. He goes back to the sketchbook and adds them into a new page that is slowly but surely becoming filled with nothing but drawings of the other man's legs.

He looks up after a moment, eyes landing on a particularly large scar extending from the top of his hip and slicing downward toward a rather sensitive area of the body. It stop at his inner thigh, just a few short inches from his groin. It could have very easily severed his femoral artery on the way down but he had gotten lucky. It also could have gone a little bit more toward front and center but, once again, he'd gotten lucky.

It was another knife wound, the blade bouncing off his hip and arching down rather than in. He's insanely grateful for the dense fabric of tactical pants because the blade could have gone just a bit further down and then he would be left with an entirely new set of problems to deal with.

When Steve reaches out to brush his fingers along this one, the touch is still gentle but a little more deliberate. The pressure increases marginally, fingertips drag down intentionally slow, and Steve's lips twitch a bit when the muscles on either side of the scar tense and shudder slightly beneath his touch. Bucky's previously stoic posture falters a bit and the fingers of his metal hand dig into the edge of the table he's still leaning against.

His breath hitches slightly when Steve leans forward to press his lips to the uppermost part of the scar, trailing it down lower all the way toward the end. His breath is warm against his skin, almost uncomfortably so, and the scrape of teeth coupled with a hot rasp of tongue tears him somewhere between agony and arousal. Steve follows the scar down, and then further, and Bucky momentarily forgets how to breathe.

In the end, neither of them are sure how they end up on the floor, laying on top of a pile of discarded clothing with the sketchbook sitting in the nearest chair, all but forgotten. Steve is sprawled bonelessly across his chest, his head tucked against his right shoulder, and Bucky is silently staring up at the under side of the table, his eyes tracing the wood grain lines that cut across the bottom.

"Have to go back and add in those details later," Steve mumbles against his chest, the fingers of one hand fitting neatly into the grooves between his ribs.

"Later," Bucky agrees, brushing a stray lock of hair away from the other man's face. "You still owe me dinner, remember?"

"I never forgot," Steve counters easily, letting out a long, slow breath that sounds suspiciously like a yawn. "Just got distracted."

Bucky smiles and presses a kiss to the top of his head. "Yeah, well I kinda like it when you're distracted."

They lay in comfortable silence for a few more moments, both sated and content to simply remain sprawled out all over the dining room floor. At some point, a flutter of something catches Bucky's attention from the corner of his eye. One of the loose pages from Steve's sketchbook slips from the edge of the chair and drifts down to the ground. Bucky reaches out and catches it between his fingers before it can hit the floor.

It's one of the first pages, the paper covered in careful, meticulous drawings of his hands, both flesh and metal. The details are striking, every curve and joint appearing to stand out from the page like it could come to life at any second. Each sketch is so lifelike and faithful to even the most miniscule detail that it looks like a photograph has been copied onto the page. Bucky had always known that Steve was a talented artist but these sketches were breathtaking.

He lets out a low whistle and hugs the other man a bit closer to him. "Not too shabby, Rogers."

Steve smiles and props himself up on one elbow, dropping a soft kiss to the scar beneath his collarbone again. "See? I told you they were beautiful."

Bucky rolls his eyes slightly. "They're only beautiful because you drew them that way."

"No," Steve protests, catches his gaze when he looks back up. "They're beautiful because they're _you_." He leans down and brushes a kiss along the assassin's jawline, rough stubble scraping against his lips lightly. "They make you unique," he says, kissing the outer corner of his mouth. "And irreplaceable." Another kiss catches his bottom lip softly. "And perfect."

Bucky catches him then, metallic hand coming up to cradle the back of his head and pull him into a deeper kiss. Metal fingers card through soft, blonde hair while the fingers of his flesh hand spread over the expanse of Steve's back, relishing the warmth and unwavering strength of the muscles beneath his hand.

He finally pulls away and drops his head back down to the floor. A bemused sigh escapes his lips but he pulls Steve closer against him. "You know I wouldn't put up with this sappy shit from anyone but you, right?"

Steve smiles and nuzzles back down into his arms. "Yeah I know. But that makes me happy."

That's why he came back, why he was so desperate to get to Steve and stay with him and never leave him again. He loves Steve, he always had even if he had forgotten that for a while. Steve was his world, his everything, and making sure he was happy had been one of the only things Bucky was hellbound on ensuring. He wanted to make sure Steve was happy, always, and he would make certain of it until his last breath.

In the end he just smiles and wraps the Captain in his arms. "Me too, kid. Me too."


	2. Healing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He loves Steve, to the ends of the earth and back, he loves him, but he hates his scars more than anything in the world.  
> Because Steve doesn't scar easily anymore and it takes a lot to leave one. Because each leftover scar means there was a time where Steve got hurt and he couldn't prevent it. Because he promised himself when they were children that he would always protect Steve no matter what and each scar on his body meant that he'd failed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ello all! Sorry for the long gap between updates, guys! Hope you all like it! :D

He knows something is off before Steve ever opens the door. It's like a sixth sense, really; one he's had since before he can remember. He knows his moods, his mannerisms, his quirks; he knows them better than he knows himself. And he always, always knows when something is wrong. It's an odd feeling, sinking and heavy like a ball of lead in his stomach. It wakes him up, brings him to full consciousness in an instant, and he's off the couch and standing in front of the door before his body registers that he's moved.

Roughly ten seconds later, he hears Steve's key jiggle into the lock but the sound is clumsy and a little heavy, not the smooth, fluid motion it normally takes. He feels the fingers of his metal hand clench slightly at his side.

The door is nudged open with an elbow and Steve follows along behind it, stumbling slightly over the threshold. The lights are turned off in the apartment, nothing but the dim flicker of the TV filling the darkness, but he doesn't need light to know that the Captain is injured. He can smell dried blood from where he's standing.

Steve comes to a stop in the front hallway, suddenly coming to the realization that he's standing there. "Hey Buck," he greets and the assassin can hear the smile in his voice but he can also hear the pain and fatigue. He flips on the hall light and clenches his teeth.

Steve is bruised and bloody, his clothes filthy with dirt and dried blood which means his uniform is probably ten times worse. His lip is split, a streak of dried blood smeared beneath his nose, and there's a rather ugly gash near his hairline that's tinted his hair a garish pink color. His face is peppered with bruises and small cuts and he's not putting very much pressure on his left leg. All together he looks like he's been thrown out of car.

"What the hell happened to you?" Bucky demands sharply, his eyes narrowing as they flicker over the damage again.

Steve glances down as if noticing the injuries for the first time and ducks his head sheepishly. "Oh, uh, our mission didn't go quite as planned."

"Yeah. I can see that," the assassin snaps, irritation evident in his voice. He's not mad at Steve, not really, but anger has always been his default reaction when it comes to seeing the younger man hurt. "Mind filling me in on the details?"

Steve shifts a bit under the other man's scrutinous gaze and tries to hide the wince that accompanies the movement. He looks guilty, like a teenager who's been caught sneaking out of the house. "We may or may not have walked into a trap."

Bucky's eyebrows arch upwards incredulously. "You walked into a trap," he repeats dully, debating on whether he wants to smack Steve up the side of the head for being such an idiot or go out and exact painful and brutal vengeance on the people who caused the injuries in the first place. "I thought this was nothing more than an extraction. Routine, in and out, nothing to worry about."

Steve shrugs guiltily and bites his lip when the movement jostles some hidden injury. "Someone got a tip. The place was covered by the time we got there."

Bucky bites back a growl that threatens to roll out of his throat. "Jesus, Rogers."

"It's not that bad," Steve assures him quickly, catching the dark glint in the other man's narrowed eyes and the way his metal fingers are clenched into a tight fist at his side. He'd come home from bad missions before, bleeding and half conscious and all but collapsing through the front door by the time he reached the apartment. This had been a cakewalk compared to some of the others he'd found himself tossed into since S.H.I.E.L.D had fallen apart. "Just a few bumps and bruises, I swear."

"I'll be the judge of that," Bucky mutters darkly, the irritated expression on his face promising that this was not a conversation that would be dropped any time soon. "Come on," he says, stepping to the side and nodding toward the hallway. "Get inside. You're getting blood all over the carpet."

Steve glances down and notices a few drops of blood sinking into the carpet beneath his shoe. Apparently the gash in his leg hadn't healed as much as he'd thought. "Don't worry, I paid extra for the deposit," he says and he starts to take a step forward but the minute he puts pressure on his left leg, his vision whites out and gravity gets weird and suddenly there's a metal arm around his shoulders.

"Hey, easy, easy," Bucky breathes next to his ear, his grip firm and tight and grounding. Steve's fingers tangle into the fabric of his shirt and he holds on for several long seconds until he can see again and the white hot jolt of pain that sears its way up and down his leg settles out into something more manageable.

He knew he had landed wrong when he fell but the combination of adrenaline and trying not to die had made pain secondary to survival and he'd more or less forgotten about it until now. But now, he's away from bullets and throwing knives and explosions and making sure the rest of his extraction team was safe. Now he's standing still and he can feel the sting of swelling and the throb of torn ligaments and hyperextended tendons. Now he's not sure if his leg will support him at all if he tries to move and now Bucky is the only thing keeping him upright in the hallway.

The previous irritation and anger fades from the other man's eyes in an instant and is immediately replaced with concern. He manages to be strong and supportive and yet endlessly gentle and careful at the same time. He knows exactly where to put his hands, how to brace Steve against his body so he's taking the majority of his weight, how to carefully guide them both down the hallway to the bedroom and nudge open the door without ever releasing his hold on the younger man. It may have been seventy years and lifetimes ago since they were both kids in Brooklyn, but one thing Bucky knows better than anything is how to take care of Steve.

Steve just manages to make it the five steps across the room to the bed before his leg completely gives out from underneath him and he collapses on the mattress. He's breathing hard, a slick sheen of sweat breaking out across the back of his neck and prickling in between his shoulder blades. The pain is making him nauseous and his jaw aches from how tightly he's clenching his teeth. A firm yet gentle hand squeezes his shoulder and he opens his eyes to meet the other man's.

Bucky is staring at him, his eyes dark and conflicted. He looks like he wants to be angry but nearly every other emotion is secondary to the concern bleeding into his expression. Steve has seen that look way too many times in his life and it never ceases to level him with guilt every time he sees it.

He frowns through the pain and reaches out, knuckles brushing along the other man's jaw line gently. "Hey, I'm alright," he says softly although the tightness in his voice causes the sincerity of that statement to come into question. "Just a little sore. That's all."

Bucky frowns again but sighs softly, catching Steve's hand and pressing his lips to the back of his bruised knuckles. "Yeah, yeah," he mutters, reaching up with his flesh hand and running his fingers through Steve's hair gently. "Never did know how to stay away from trouble, did you, punk?" That earns him a soft, tired chuckle and he stands slowly, keeping one hand braced against the younger man's shoulder for a moment longer. "Think you can sit tight while I get the first aide kit?"

Steve nods tiredly, the depletion of adrenaline leaving him exhausted and weary. "Not going anywhere."

"Good," Bucky mumbles, kissing him on the forehead lightly before stepping out of the room and disappearing down the hall to the medicine cabinet in the bathroom. Okay, so 'cabinet' may not be the right word exactly; between the two of them, they've managed to collect what more or less amounts to a small field hospital of medical supplies. Their line of work falls into the category of 'highly hazardous' so having an ample supply of nearly every kind of gauze and bandage they can get their hands on is not only a huge plus but also necessary. There's also the odd assortment of prescription grade painkillers that don't really work on either of them but they keep them in the house for argument's sake.

Altogether, the sundry collection medical supplies take up close to half of the linen closet in the bathroom and a good majority of the space beneath the sink. Bucky sweeps nearly all of it into an empty clothes basket on the floor and fills a bowl with water from the sink. He finds a clean washcloth and drops it into the bowl, adding a few others into the basket as well. Balancing his gathered supplies carefully, he makes his way back down the hall to the bedroom.

True to his word, Steve hasn't moved. Mostly because he can't but also because he looks only about three seconds away from being completely asleep. One shoulder is braced against the headboard, the rest of his body leaning heavily against it. His eyes are only half-open but attempts to straighten a bit when the former assassin comes back into the room.

Bucky drops his basket of bandages onto the floor next to the bed and switches on the bedside lamp on in the same motion. "You know the rules, punk," he chides half-heartedly, dropping into a crouch in front of Steve. "No sleeping until I'm sure you haven't knocked loose what few screws you still have remaining in the pretty head of yours."

"So bossy," Steve mumbles in response but he makes an honest effort to pull himself away from the headboard and sit up straighter. It doesn't exactly work but it's the best he can do under the circumstances.

"Yeah, well someone has to keep your dumb ass in line, right?" Bucky smiles crookedly at him and reaches up, fingertips brushing over the gash at Steve's hairline gently. The younger man stiffens and tries to stifle the hiss of pain that catches in his throat.

"Sorry, sorry," Bucky apologizes, plucking the washcloth from the bowl and wringing it out deftly before pressing it over the gash.

His eyes travel over the other injuries quickly, taking in bruises and scrapes and dried blood. Most of the smaller cuts have nearly healed by now, leaving nothing but angry red marks that will more than likely be completely gone in a day or two. The gash at his hairline looks ugly but it's also well on its way to healing like the others. A few days and some decent rest and the wound should be completely healed by the end of the week.

He covers the gash with a bandage once the dried blood has been washed away and moves the washcloth down to wipe away the blood beneath Steve's nose. It's a strangely familiar gesture, one he's done probably hundreds of times in his life. He has vague but vivid memories of doing this exact same thing all those years ago in their tiny apartment back in Brooklyn. Steve with a busted lip and a bloody nose from a fight he refused to walk away from; Bucky helping him get cleaned up after the fact while still trying to allow Steve some sense of autonomy.

It's hard to grasp onto the thin straws of dignity when your best friend is literally scooping you out of a dumpster or off the dirty streets of an alley though. Granted, this was all back when Steve was 90 pounds soaking wet and could be tossed over Bucky's shoulder like a writhing bag of cats when it came down to it. He'd long since shed his tiny physique in exchange for the body of a Greek god and was more than capable of taking care of himself. He's sitting here now though, still as a statue and nearly asleep while Bucky continues to carefully scrub away dried blood. Maybe it's because he's so exhausted he can't move or maybe it's because this is familiar for him too and it brings back memories of a simpler time before the war and the Soviets and planes crashing into ice.

Bucky drops the washcloth back into the bowl and taps his fingertips against Steve's collarbone lightly. "Need you to take your shirt off for me, kid." He knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that there are probably a multitude of bruises and scrapes hidden beneath the cotton of Steve's t-shirt if the stiffness of his movements was anything to go by. Steve may put up a brave front but Bucky had seen him end up on the wrong side of an ass-kicking enough times to know when he was hiding something.

Steve sleepily grumbles some kind of response but does as he's told, very carefully peeling his shirt off over his head. The motion is stiff and rigid and his arms don't extend fully when he tries to pull the shirt off; more than anything he raises his arms just enough to get the shirt over his head before letting it fall onto the bed in a rumpled pile. So possible cracked ribs then, heavily bruised at the very least.

His suspicions are confirmed when he notices the ugly purple and blue bruises already spreading across Steve's torso and chest. They're ugly and dark already, interlocking and spreading outward like watercolors. True, the Serum will kick in and the bruises will heal and fade in less than half the time they would for a normal person but that doesn't mean it will be any less painful. The Serum ensured that healing was a fast process but the pain would be exactly the same whether the mend took four days or fourteen.

Using an extraordinary amount of care, Bucky touches the bruises lightly, checking for breaks and fractures and listening carefully to push-pull of Steve's breathing for any sounds of wheezing or congestion. "Mind telling me how these happened?" he asks after a second once he's sure Steve hasn't managed to puncture a lung.

The Captain hisses a bit as the other man's fingers drag over a particularly tender area. "I got knocked out of a window," he answers honestly, opting to leave out the fact that it had been on the eighth floor and he'd bounced off the hood of an armored truck when he'd landed. "And off a roof."

Bucky's hands still momentarily and his jaw clenches slightly. "I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that."

"Fair enough," Steve mumbles back groggily. "I'm going to try to pretend it didn't happen."

"Mm," is the only response he receives from the other man. Other than the rather impressive array of bruises that blotch across Steve's skin, the injuries looks relatively minor, if more than a little painful. It's definitely not the first time he's been crouched in front of Steve, dabbing at a busted lip and checking for broken ribs and, unfortunately, it probably won't be the last. It's familiar territory though, even if it's not something he's happy to be familiar with.

He starts to move his hands away from Steve's torso but stops, his fingers going still once again. There's a scar beside his hand, tiny and faint and dimpled in slightly around the edges. It's a small wound, roughly the size of a nickel and punching through the upper left side of Steve's chest. It's insignificant enough to almost be overlooked entirely if it weren't for the identical scar that punctured the skin a few inches down. Both were left and center, precisely planned and clearly intended to kill. The wounds had been severe and dangerously close to succeeding and Steve still bore their scars over seventy years later.

Bucky frowns and runs his fingers lightly over the long-healed wounds. The Serum is good for a lot of things but it's not perfect; Steve is still very much human and not invincible. It doesn't happen often; usually the Serum will kick in enough to heal the wound entirely, leaving no trace of where the injury had been. But on those rare, unpredictable occasions, when the injury is just a bit more severe and the damage more extensive, it will leave a lingering scar.

He found this out the hard way in 1943 when Steve took two bullets to the chest from a German sniper. Even when the Serum was brand new and at it's peak performance, the bullets still managed to break three ribs, partially collapse a lung, and nearly kill him in the middle of a God-forsaken frozen forest. Before that, there had been a very brief, fleeting moment in time when Bucky had allowed himself to believe that the Serum had actually turned Steve into some kind of comic book superhero, shatterproof and indestructible.

But then he was crouching over him, hands slick with blood and watching in helpless terror as his best friend choked and struggled to breathe on the frozen ground. The Serum had done a lot for him, it had made him faster, stronger, healthier than he had ever been in his life, but it hadn't made him indestructible. It had taken two bullets and Steve nearly bleeding to death in his arms for that grim reality to sink in.

He glares at the scars like they've wronged him somehow and, in a way, maybe they have. Not long ago, when Steve was feeling particularly artistic and intent on using him as a nude model, he had told him that his scars were beautiful, that they made him who he was and that he shouldn't be ashamed of them. Steve loved him entirely, scars and all, and said they made him perfect. Bucky wishes he could feel the same way but he doesn't. He loves Steve, to the ends of the earth and back, he loves him, but he hates his scars more than anything in the world.

Because Steve doesn't scar easily anymore and it takes a lot to leave one. Because each leftover scar means there was a time where Steve got hurt and he couldn't prevent it. Because he promised himself when they were children that he would always protect Steve no matter what and each scar on his body meant that he'd failed. But mostly he hates them because a good percentage of the most recent ones are from him and now leave a glaring reminder of this on Steve's skin.

His fingers move down, brushing over another bullet wound just beneath Steve's sternum, a scar he'd made with his own two hands. The scar is small like the others, nearly invisible in the dim light of the bedroom, but he recognizes it instantly. The bullet had come from his gun, his finger wrapped around the trigger that fired the projectile into Steve's body.

No matter how many times Steve had told him over and over again that it wasn't his fault, that he didn't know what he was doing, he still bore that scar to remind him of how close he'd come to killing his best friend. True, he may have saved him from the river that day, but it didn't change the fact that he was more less the one who put him in it in the first place.

His fingers linger over the remnants of the wound for a second more, his eyes tracking up to the thin, straight scar just below Steve's collarbone. That had been from his hands as well, a dagger aiming for the throat that had been blocked and driven into a shoulder instead. He remembers the feeling of the blade sinking through fabric and muscle, the slickness of blood between his fingers, the shocked look of pain that crossed Steve's face when the bullet entered his body. He remembers him falling, watching the world fall away beneath him and the glimmer of the sun on the water far below, waiting to swallow him whole like a dark, living thing. He remembers all of it and it makes him feel sick.

"Hey," a soft voice cuts through his thoughts and warm fingers brush against his cheek. Bucky blinks and looks up with see Steve peering down at him carefully. "Come back to me."

The assassin blinks again in confusion. "What?"

"Come back from wherever you just went." Steve just smiles even though the expression looks painful. "You got lost for a minute...looked like you were in the middle of something pretty dark." His fingers trace the outline of the other man's eyebrow gently. "You back with me, now?" the Captain asks quietly, his voice soft and thin from fatigue.

Bucky lets out a soft huff of a laugh and shakes his head. Even now, beaten down and exhausted as he was, Steve was still worrying over him like a mother hen. "Yeah, pal, I'm with you. 'Til the end, right?"

Steve gives him another tired smile and nods. "'Til the end." The fingers of his other hand tangle slightly in the hem of Bucky's shirt, curling just enough to hold on. It's a small, familiar gesture, so simple and yet it has the power to make the former assassin's stomach clench in nostalgia.

It was something Steve had started doing when they were kids, a very small gesture that held no real meaning at first. It always happened when Bucky was helping him get cleaned up after a fight, when Steve was dusty and bruised and bloody from whatever scrap he'd found himself in that day. Bucky would fuss over him, call him a punk and scold him for always throwing himself headfirst into trouble while carefully cleaning the cuts and scrapes that had been left over from the fight. Steve wouldn't say much during this process but he would find something to hold on to, his fingers loosely curled in the older boy's shirt or in the fabric of his sleeve. It wasn't until they were older, when Bucky grew into his lanky form and Steve never did, that he finally realized what the gesture meant.

Steve was holding onto him in a silent plea for him to stay. It was unspoken but understood all the same; Steve held on because he thought that one day Bucky might finally decide he wasn't worth the trouble and leave him on his own. It was both heartbreaking and frustrating when he figured out the meaning behind the gesture: frustrating because Steve actually thought he would leave him one day and heartbreaking because Steve thought so little of himself. It had taken more than a little bit of convincing to get Steve to believe that he was in it for the long haul but even then the small, innocent cling remained the same.

Now it's for a different reason. Now Steve holds on to make sure that _he_ doesn't lose Bucky again. He latches onto his sleeve, his belt loops, his hand every chance he gets because he still sometimes feels that Bucky will disappear into thin air if he doesn't. He holds on now because he lost Bucky once before and it had nearly destroyed him. He holds on because even if it's the death of him, he's never going to lose him again.

Bucky feels the tiny tug and allows a small smile to pull at his lips. He leans forward and presses a gentle kiss to the middle of Steve's forehead. "You're a mess, you know that?"

Steve smiles tiredly and leans into him a bit more. "Yeah, I know. I'll go take a shower as soon as we're done."

"The hell you will," the other man counters smoothly, flicking Steve's ear lightly. "As soon as we're done you're laying down in this bed and getting some rest. You're star-spangled ass is going to be bed-bound for the next three days if I have anything to say about it."

Steve knows better than to argue and settles with a compliant sigh instead. With the deep, jarring throb radiating from his knee, he's not too sure being bed-bound for a few days wouldn't be such a bad idea. Judging from the stiffness and swelling, it's twisted at the very least, sprained at the worst. The gash along his calf just adds to the discomfort and, Serum aside, he knows it's going to take more than twenty-four hours for those injuries to heal.

Judging from the grim look that crosses Bucky's face when he notices the dark, drying bloodstains that soak into the denim around Steve's leg, he's come to the same conclusion. He contemplates the jeans for a few silent moments before standing wordlessly and disappearing into the hall. He returns a few seconds later with a wickedly sharp blade pressed into his palm of his flesh hand, the metal gleaming brightly even in the dim light. Steve barely has a chance to register what's going on before the blade is swiped through the seams of the jeans with careful precision.

"Bucky, what-?! Hey!" Steve protests in surprise, realizing what's happening a split second too late.

Bucky carefully slices his way through the thickest parts of the denim, paying close attention to keeping the blade as far away from Steve's skin as possible. "Sorry pal," he offers half-heartedly, the blade continuing to slice through the denim. "It's going to take more work to get you out of them than it would to simply cut them off. Besides, with all that blood drying in the material, I doubt they can be saved anyway."

The last remark is a bit darker than the other, the words sharp and slick like the edge of the blade in his hands. Steve is bleeding and that makes him angry; he's taking out said anger on the nearest thing he can which just happens to be Steve's jeans (which are quickly becoming nothing more than a tattered, bloodstained heap of denim on the floor).

Steve's protests die down after that, his expression softening a bit. He reaches out and cards his fingers through the other man's hair gently. "Hey, it's okay," he says quietly, leaning forward and resting his forehead against Bucky's. "I'm okay."

Bucky ceases his methodical slicing and sighs quietly, closing his eyes and reaching up to cup the back of Steve's head with his flesh hand. "I know," he allows after a silent moment, his eyes opening slowly and drifting over the old and new scars that still cut into Steve's chest. "But one day you might not be."

Steve just smiles and shakes his head. "Never going to happen. There's no way in hell I'm leaving you alone again. You're going to have to try a lot harder than that to get rid of me."

Bucky's eyes are still dark and dangerous but he smiles slightly at the remark. "Too much work; I think I'll keep you around for a while."

"Glad to hear it."

The banter dies down after that and Bucky turns his attention back to the task at hand. He cuts away the last pieces of denim and leans closer to inspect the damage done to Steve's leg. His knee is swollen and discolored, bruising already beginning to form and extend beneath the skin. The joint looks painful and rigid, inflammation and strained tendons and ligaments causing Steve's leg to sit at stiff, inflexible angle.

There's a deep gash slicing through skin and muscle, extending from the outside corner of Steve's knee and stretching down toward his ankle. The bleeding has almost completely stopped by now, dark, dried blood caking the expanse of the wound and streaking down the back of his leg. It's an ugly wound, ragged and torn and still tacky with dried blood, but it's healing already and will likely be gone in a few days. It's going to scar though; he can tell just by looking at it that it's going to leave a mark.

He frowns darkly and retrieves the washcloth from the bowl again, wrapping it around Steve's leg over the wound and allowing the damp cloth to loosen the dried blood. In all likelihood, the gash should probably require stitches but there's little point in such measures if the wound will heal itself in a few days. It will be easier to simply bandage it and allow the Serum to do the work instead.

He cleans the blood away carefully, mindful of the injury and the damage done to Steve's knee. He briefly considers wrapping the affected joint to provide a bit more stability but dismisses it in favor of the Serum again. Imperfect or not, the Serum will heal the injuries better than he can.

He bandages the wound loosely and is just finishing taping down the gauze when Steve begins to tip forward a bit. He shakes himself awake quickly, blinking blearily in the dim light, but the message is clear. The Serum is kicking in full force now, working diligently at healing the damage done to its host's body, and going through the list of priorities it deems most important for recovery. Apparently keeping Steve conscious is not one of them.

Bucky recognizes this for what it is and intervenes on Steve's behalf. "Time for bed," he mumbles, catching the younger man by the shoulders gently and guiding him backward onto the mattress. He's no stranger to this part of the healing process either; the Serum uses up an extraordinary amount of energy when it's repairing damage and the outcome generally leaves Steve more or less comatose while it's taking place. The last time he came home bruised and bloody from a mission, he'd slept for nearly twenty hours while his body healed itself. This time will be no exception and now that the Serum has kicked in, it won't be long before Steve is out like a light.

Steve shifts backward slowly, trying to find a more comfortable position that will take pressure off his bad leg. It doesn't quite work and the movement causes him to gasp suddenly, a flair of pain shooting through his leg.

"You alright?" Bucky asks, his eyes sharp and concern bleeding into his expression.

"Yep," Steve grinds out, his teeth clenched tightly against the pain. "Just moved a little faster than my knee wanted me to." He lets out a slow breath and bites back another wince. "Definitely feeling it now though."

"Hm," Bucky muses quietly, his expression still grim. "Keep that in mind the next time you decide to swan dive off the roof of a building."

"Duly noted," Steve quips back, his words a bit sharp and clipped with pain. When he finally manages to get into a semi-comfortable position, he lets out a sigh and closes his eyes. When he opens them again, he offers the other man an exhausted, apologetic smile. "I'm sorry," he tells him, reaching out and intertwining his fingers with Bucky's metal ones. "For making you worry."

The assassin huffs out a small laugh and shakes his head. "Yeah, well, you may be a stubborn, pain in the ass," he says, bringing their interlocked fingers up to his lips and brushing a light kiss over the back of Steve's knuckles. "But you're my stubborn, pain in the ass. And I wouldn't have it any other way." He smirks against Steve's fingers and squeezes lightly. "Besides, I'll come up with some kind of creative punishment for being such an idiot once you're able to bend your knees again."

Steve smirks tiredly. "Sounds kinky."

"Oh, it will be,"Bucky assures him, pushing him back against the mattress lightly. "But I'll figure all that out after you're healed. Sleep now, kinky, depraved sex later." He squeezes his hand one last time before he straightens up and scoops the sundry medical supplies into the basket again. "Now stay put while I go put this up."

Steve doesn't argue and does as he's told mainly because he doesn't have a choice. Both his injuries and the increasing fatigue have left him relatively bedridden and he can't do much more than watch as the other man finishes gathering the gauze and bandages and disappears into the hall toward the bathroom.

It takes less than ten minutes to put everything up but that small window of time is just long enough. Steve is completely asleep by the time Bucky gets back to the room, eyes closed and breathing deep and even. The bruises on his face are still dark and vivid but they're beginning to fade already thanks to the enhanced healing factor. The best thing Steve can do now is to simply rest and let the Serum do its job.

Bucky walks back across the room silently and turns off the lamp, making his way to the other side of the bed in the darkness and sliding onto the mattress next to Steve. He's not tired, not by a long shot, but Steve always seems to sleep better when Bucky is next to him.

Just as expected, Steve shifts just the tiniest bit in his sleep and catches a small handful of Bucky's shirt. The assassin smiles softly and very carefully slips his arms around the other man, mindful of his injuries. It takes some adjustment but he manages to keep his arms wrapped around Steve and get them both into a more comfortable position all without waking the younger man. He's careful not to jostle him too much and risk aggravating the injuries but, in reality, Steve is so out of it right now that he probably isn't even aware that he's been moved.

In fact, the Serum-induced healing coma lasts for close seven hours before Steve stirs again. He's remained nearly motionless for the entire night, sleeping deeply and curled in Bucky's arms. It's a little past 6:30 the next morning when Steve begins to shift a bit but whether it's from discomfort or regaining consciousness is hard to tell.

The movement causes Bucky to blink and look down at the sleeping man in his arms. At some point during the night, he'd managed to drift off to sleep as well, secure in the knowledge that Steve was safe in his arms. He's awake now though, instantly alert and focused on the injured soldier.

Steve shifts once more, eyebrows furrowing at something only he can see in the recesses of his mind. Suddenly he gasps, fingers tightening their hold on Bucky's shirt and eyes snapping open sharply.

"Whoa, hey…" Bucky soothes quietly, untangling one arm from around the younger man and running his fingers through sleep disheveled hair gently. "At ease, Cap."

Steve blinks slowly, disoriented and confused upon waking. He looks up at Bucky, frowning slightly like he's not quite sure he's real. "Buck?"

The assassin frowns as well and cups the back of his head gently. Even after all this time, Steve still sometimes wakes up and imagines that it's all been a dream or an illusion: Bucky is gone, he died in the War, Steve watched him fall and now he's alone.

It makes his stomach clench everytime he sees that stricken expression on Steve's face. He's no stranger to nightmares and memories that leave him shaking and raw when he comes back to his senses; he's gotten used to it by now. It's different when he sees it happen to Steve, though. It's always different when Steve is involved. "Yeah pal, I'm here," he tells him quietly, fingers drifting down and brushing over the back of his neck softly. "Where else would I be?"

Steve frowns tiredly and buries his face in the soft fabric of Bucky's shirt. "Thought you were gone again…" comes the muffled reply, fingers still tangled in the shirt.

Bucky smiles softly and shakes his head. "Nope, right here next to you, kid. Right where I've always been."

Steve exhales slowly and closes his eyes. "Good," he mumbles quietly, his voice soft and fading as sleep begins to claim him again. "Don't want to lose you again…"

The assassin tightens his arms around him slightly and presses a soft kiss to the top of his head. "You won't," he assures him, feeling Steve relax further into his arms at the promise. "Never again." He cards his fingers through his hair softly, the motion slow and soothing. "Go back to sleep."

Steve lets out a small, contented sigh and follows his advice, sliding back into the warm embrace of sleep. In the soft light creeping in through the window, the bruises on his face have faded dramatically from the night before. The cut along his hairline is healing as well, the edges scabbed over and fading down to little more than a deep scratch. The minor injuries will more than likely be completely healed by that evening but it will still take a few days for leg and ribs to heal.

Bucky doesn't mind the wait; he's a patient man and he's content to wait as long as it takes for the Serum to do it's job. Besides, being confined to the apartment means he can keep Steve safe for just a little while longer, he can protect him from the cruel and dangerous world outside that prefers to strike without warning and cut deep like a blade.

He's had more than his fair share of scars in his life, physical, mental, emotional. All of them leave their mark. He doesn't mind his own, he can take it, but it's unacceptable to him for Steve to have them. Steve, who's brave and reckless and loyal down to his very genetic makeup. Who jumps headfirst into fistfights and leads borderline suicide missions behind enemy lines to rescue a couple hundred captured soldiers. Steve, who refused to give up on him even when there was almost nothing left to save.

Steve shouldn't have scars and yet he does. Skinned knees and broken noses and scraped elbows from too many fights in back alleys. Bullet wounds and knife wounds and burns across his stomach from alien weapons. Steve has scars and Bucky hates them and he thinks that maybe, just maybe, if he keeps him here for a bit longer, he can prevent him from getting any more.

It's a selfish thought, one he hates indulging even now. He's always wanted nothing more than to keep Steve safe, to keep him close and shelter him from the harsh, unkind world around them. It's selfish and he knows it, wanting to hide Steve away like this. But then he's always been selfish when it comes to Steve because Steve is everything to him and maybe he's allowed to be selfish just this once.

He hugs the sleeping man closer to him, rests his cheek on top of his head and closes his eyes. Maybe if they stay here for a bit longer, the world will be a kinder place when they go back into it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading guys! :D

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a follow-up chapter for Steve next! Thanks for reading guys! :D


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